She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
