I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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