My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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