see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My penis needs a shock collar
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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