my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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