when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
