you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
