She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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