I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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