Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
