My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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