yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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