The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
there is glitter all over my balls
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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