im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
