On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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