I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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