And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
