I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
