The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
