oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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