Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
