My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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