I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
