haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
