I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
