one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When are your genitals available?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
