I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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