i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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