I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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