Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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