listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
