well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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