look no pants
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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