everyone is single if you try hard enough
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
