just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
