You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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