Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
