I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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