Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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