I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
handjob tips. give me some.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
