LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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