I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
