Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
