haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
