i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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