The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
