Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
