A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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