I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
