saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
