Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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