did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
