remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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