Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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