The beer is more important than you right now.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
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For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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