rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
