Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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