Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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