And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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