I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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