I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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