Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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