im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
